A really, really long exploration of one of the more frustrating parts of my life.

I don't know who cares to read about this but I need to write about it. I'm struggling with accepting it and moving through it. Maybe it will help me. If not, maybe it will help someone else that has dealt with this. So if you don't want to read about breastfeeding, skip this one. 

I hate breastfeeding. I do. If it worked for me, I would really enjoy it. At points it HAS worked, and at moments, I have really loved it. But in general, it is just stressful. I know how important it is, nutritionally, and for bonding, and that it's the best thing for both baby and mommy. Except when it isn't. I struggle, STRUGGLE with feeding my babies. And I have a hard time with that, because for the first few months after they're born, that's my only job. All I have to do is feed this baby. Between Jeremy and some help from the rest of our family, everything else is pretty much handled for a while. But I can't do it. I fail (at what I would like to do) almost every time. Everything I have to give to this little person that I love more than life is still not enough. And I can't stop thinking about it that way. "If only I had done this," or "Why can't my body do this?" I feel frustrated, and let down, and insufficient. Even though in my head, I know I shouldn't, and from an eternal perspective, that it's not a big deal, especially when I have tried my hardest.

History:

With Reilly we had a difficult birth, and he was sleepy from the extra drugs they ended up giving me during and after for my blood pressure. The second day in the hospital they convinced me he needed some formula to get his blood sugar up (without testing it). They sent me home with a nipple shield and no support. I fought through those first few weeks with a baby that wouldn't stay awake once he latched on, but wouldn't stay asleep if I tried to set him down. He was hungry and cranky and wasn't gaining weight well, and I was a zombie. At about 6 weeks, with some knowledge and support (and a pump) from the nutritionist at WIC, I was able to stop supplementing with formula and get rid of the nipple shield. I was able to exclusively breastfeed him from then until about 3.5 months, but when he hit that growth spurt, my body simply didn't respond. He was already nursing every 2 hours around the clock, almost without exception.  How could he nurse any more often? I gave in and started giving him bottles again.

First just one at bedtime, then one in the afternoon, etc. And my supply dropped rapidly. Soon he was only nursing morning and night, and when he was 6 months old, he decided one day that he wasn't even interested in that. I didn't have too long to grieve about it, because within weeks I found out I was pregnant again (surprise!) and was too busy being sick to worry about how he got fed.

With Jaina I was knew more and I was determined to make it work. The hospital we had her at was better, and the lactation consultant there fought with me to keep them from giving her formula even though she went 6 hours once without waking enough to eat. I nursed, nursed, nursed. Every 1-2.5 hours for the first month. I had help, but still made sure they woke me up to feed her, because I wanted her to gain weight and for it to work. But her weight gain was really iffy, and when we went in at 1 month she had only gained 4 oz that week. Which is on the very low end of acceptable. But I had another baby (15 months) and Jeremy was trying not to fail his classes, and my help was going home (we lived in Iowa) and couldn't keep up the constant nursing schedule, so we decided to start supplementing a little so I wasn't worrying about her.

(She was still under 7 lbs) I pumped some at first to try to keep my milk supply up, but soon we went to Arizona for 3-4 weeks, and there was just too much going on. She nursed less and less (because there was less and less milk) until one day she just refused. She was only 4 months and I was so upset. 

With my third baby I vowed it would be different. I didn't have another baby, (the other two were 3.5 and 2.5) I was armed with information, and wouldn't let it happen how it happened with Jaina. I read "Breastfeeding Made Simple," which helped to change my perspective of it. When Katy arrived she was a lb and a half heavier than Jaina, and I was able to go drug free. Her latch took some work, and I was in pain for the first several weeks, but I just let her nurse whenever she wanted. Which meant she stayed attached seriously 20 hours a day. I let her sleep attached even. We just sat on the couch for 2 months. But it worked. After a rocky 1st and 2nd week she just started gaining weight and stayed right on schedule. She was 12 lbs at 6 weeks, I think.(starting out at 8 lbs 7 oz) I exclusively nursed her until she was almost 6 months. At that point we had moved twice and things were a little crazy. I didn't feel like I ever had enough milk for her, so we started solids, hoping it would top her off. It didn't really work and we were struggling, so we started supplementing at about 6 1/2 months.

She did nurse less as time went on, but the last time she nursed she was 11 months old, and I thought that was pretty awesome, for me. Now I'm starting to think it was a little more of a miracle/stars aligning/blessing thing.

I thought we had it figured out and it would work the same way with this baby if we handled it the same way. But I didn't count on tongue tie, lip tie, silent reflux, and a c-section. I have been fighting for the last 2.5 months to get Shawn to gain weight. We got his tongue and lip ties clipped, I have used every supplement there is, pretty much, I nurse him all the time, pump after feedings, etc. Even with donor milk supplementation in the last month he has been consistently dropping on the WHO percentile chart and at 12 weeks is now barely a lb above his birth weight and close to "failure to thrive". (And his doctor is very supportive of breastfeeding and hasn't been pushing me until now)

It's time to stop fighting so hard and to just feed him. I am dairy and gluten free (trying to help his reflux terrible gas) already, but it is hard to find dairy free donor milk, which he really needs. He is still getting some donor milk, but we need a lot more to get his weight gain up, so with his issues we skipped the normal formulas and went straight to Alimentum. He has tolerated it well, but I hate giving it to him, mostly because my supply has already dropped a little more, and he wants to nurse less (and because it's smelly). After 24 hours of topping him off with a bottle after feeding, he started refusing to nurse as much and just wanted the bottle. NOT happening. He is way too little to not be nursing, if I can do anything about it, so we're back to using the bottle once a day or less, and using an SNS (supplemental nursing system) to get him the calories he needs. That way he can still be nursing (and telling my body he DOES still want milk) but getting more than I'm making. Really hoping for some good weight gain from this week of working on it. It (the SNS) is a pain to use and to clean, but I'm hoping I can stick it out and use it a lot so he will continue to nurse and so I can continue to make milk. 

So why am I blogging about this? Well, several times in the past few years I've seen mention of a condition called IGT (insufficient glandular tissue) and suspected that I had it.  Hypoplasia/IGT

 (there are nursing pics here, if that bothers anyone) I fit many of the factors they list, and when I do all the "recommended" things to make more milk, they either only work a little, or not at all. This last week leading up to his less-than-stellar weigh in (2 oz in 10 days) I felt like I was making LESS milk though I was trying all sorts of things to get my supply up. With my history, and especially how things have gone this time, I'm pretty sure I have IGT. (And know a few other people that probably do, too, that have tried HARD to nurse and things just haven't gone well.) That, combined with the tongue and lip tie, the resulting nipple shield we haven't been able to get rid of, and my milk not coming in fully until day 5-6 after my c-section has led to this. (Though I'm sure having half of Jeremy's DNA and metabolism hasn't helped either). I have never been able to get my supply to a point that it could help Shawn grow like he needs to. And it is heartbreaking to be at this point, especially after I have worked so hard, and after I succeeded with Katy. I'm trying to work through it, but it really is a grieving process, and I am struggling. I hope we get into a groove and that I can be more accepting of all of this soon and move on to just enjoying my sweet baby and being grateful I could give him only breastmilk for 2.5 months (even if it wasn't all mine) before needing to get some help from formula.

Adventures in Babyville

I know that there is more going on around here than nursing, crying, and trying to sleep, but I usually miss out on a lot of it. Not this weekend. Jeremy has a conference in San Diego and it's just me and the 4 kids. (Sort of - I do have family in town for back-up, thankfully!) It has started out mostly well. Shawn has been sleeping in the swing for about an hour and a half (unheard of!) and I got bacon made for dinner tonight (breakfast - it's hard to fry bacon with a baby attached to you. This is a fact), the diapers dried and put away, another load started, part of the floor swept, the dishwasher loaded, some pots washed, a delicious salad made and eaten, and made my bed. I'd call that plenty accomplished for one midday! Time for resting, which means computer media stuff, since Shawn and I already napped from 8:30 to 10:30.

Not sure what to do with that poor baby. He is so gassy, and often cries and cries trying to get it out before he will nurse after he wakes up. We're doing mylicon, gripe water, essential oils, and I've eliminated dairy and gluten. Cheeseless tacos are not delicious people. Especially if it's not going to make a difference. But I'll stick with it for several weeks, because I think you have to do it that long for it to get out of your system. Also, even after his tongue tie got clipped he only gained like 4-5 oz last week. Sigh.  Anyway. He's really cute.

Most exciting happenings the last couple of weeks? Not much. The kids are still doing well in school, Katy started Sunbeams, and seems to be doing well there. We went to Pima, which was cool (if a little tiring, and short). Shawn got to meet his Great-Grandma Cohn. :) Also, we got to take the kids to the open house of the Gilbert temple. It is so, so beautiful! They were sort of impressed. Reilly may or may not have thrown a fit in the celestial room because we didn't want him walking way ahead of the rest of us. I had to ride in a golf cart and several elevators, but otherwise it was a successful outing. :)

Shawn is being helpful and taking at least one or two naps a day on his changing table or in the swing. So awesome. He has also started smiling at people here and there. You just never know when he's going to pop one out. We are 6 weeks into this "new baby" thing and hoping that things will continue to improve!

Sleep

How I miss it. And, to be fair, I'm getting more sleep than I usually do with a newborn. But that's mostly because I'm still alternating from the chair to the couch at night, and have a baby attached to me for 95% of that time. So it's not -quality- sleep, but I think I'm averaging 6-7 hours most nights, just broken up a bit. And I try to nap several times a week. Some of those naps are baby-free, and completely delightful. Not to say that Shawn isn't delightful too, it's just harder to be comfortable when a small (very warm) being insists on being attached to you. I miss my bed, though. It's a nice bed. Shawn likes it too.

In other news, it's been nice to have the older two kids back in school. Our kids are all kind of intense, and life with a new baby is intense (and not very interesting, as far as projects and activities go), and they've been going a little crazy here on the days we were just all home. They both really like school (ifnot the time the homework can take). I'm very grateful for that, and grateful that their vharter school closed last year, though it was super stressful at the time. If they were both going to the charter school there would be three 20-minute round trip pick-ups and drop-offs every day, and I can just imagine how stressful that would be right now. Yay for a closer, (very good) school with nice bus drivers!

Right now.

I'm just going to have to backtrack, because there is no time right now for catching up. There is barely time for trying to do the things that need to be done.
We are 3 weeks into this "new baby" thing, and though I'm sleeping better than I usually would (because I have mostly just slept WITH him) things are still a little rough. C-section recovery (while trying to take care of a newborn) is no joke. I'm grateful for c-sections, and I have no complaints about how mine went, or even the reasons for it (due to a breech baby that they needed out ASAP because of my blood pressure), I am frustrated with the (non) speed of recovery. Seriously, don't get a c-section just because you think it might be easier than labor (oh, so true) because... just don't.  Nursing has also been a little rough, because he has some tongue tie, and all the sitting-on-the-couch-all-day hasn't really helped to gain quite enough weight. But we're hoping to get that resolved within a week or so, so hopefully it will improve. I'm so grateful that Jeremy's schedule is so flexible and that he is mostly home, trying to keep everything under control right now. Especially with the kids out of school most of this time. It's been an adventure.

 But right now is good.

Jeremy's at the office for a bit, and I was actually able to lay Shawn down after he fell asleep. Unusual, but appreciated, no matter how long it lasts. Because of that, I was able to get three (apparently always starving) children lunch (which they are eating outside, since he's in the dining room). And sit down to write for just a minute.

 I wish I could fast forward a few weeks, to where we have some kind of schedule and I'm feeling better, and not like I'm going to split apart if I move wrong or sneeze too hard. Except that they I would miss out on so many of these cute sights:

Shawn - birth story

Today would have been my due date if I had made it to 40 weeks. With my history, I didn't really plan to make it that far. My first two were born at 37 weeks 6 days and 37 weeks 5 days, and with Katy we made it to 39 weeks. My blood pressure always go up, and at that point, they decide it's safer to get the baby here than to wait. Though they have been induced, I have had 3 normal deliveries (the last one purposely drug-free, even forgoing pitocin for breaking my water). I kind of expected this one to be the same. Even after we found out that this little guy was still breech at 35 weeks, I thought we'd be able to get him to turn. And when that didn't seem to be working, we were interested in a breech delivery (which one of my Dr's was willing to do). But when all attempts to turn him failed and my BP ended up "up" again, I ended up with a c-section. I never thought I'd have one, though I knew it was always a possibility (especially here in the U.S.) 
When all was said and done I can't say that I felt that much worse with my c-section last week (at least for the 1st 24 hours, while the pain meds were still really good.) than I've felt after my other deliveries. I would never -choose- a section, because the recovery is taking so much longer, and there are still possibilities of complications even though everything seems to be healing okay.
Though I had prepared for this possibility mentally (and somewhat, emotionally) over the two weeks before, and while I was on bedrest for the several days before, I went into it very freaked out. Still, the actual section was not at all a negative experience. Getting my IV in after fasting was way more traumatic than any part of the surgery, including the spinal, which was so much faster and easier than either of my epidurals with my previous deliveries (which didn't work well). My anesthesiologist was super friendly, helpful, and laid-back, and my doctor and midwife were both there and super supportive. It was a little freaky being in the OR, but once my spinal started working, I wasn't even that nervous anymore. The only responsibility I had left was breathing! They attempted a 2nd version (they had tried one before, without anesthesia the Monday before) once the spinal kicked in, and they were pushing HARD. That was the hardest part - I couldn't breathe well during all that, because there was so much pressure going on. After the version failed (little guy wasn't moving either direction, and then my water broke from the pressure), it was only 8-10 minutes before my baby boy arrived,and since I wasn't in any pain this time, I actually got to appreciate the moment and even cried. They popped his darling (though bloody) little head up over the sheet to say hi as soon as he was out, and his eyes looked surprised. After they cleaned him up a little I got to kiss on his head and see him before I sent him to the recovery room with Jeremy while they took care of me. One of the other doctors came and sat by my head and chatted to distract me once they were gone, which I really appreciated. Pretty much everyone at Mercy Gilbert was so nice, helpful, and respectful of our wishes, and we're so happy we decided to deliver there!
 I was out in recovery and got to nurse him within about 45 minutes of birth, and could wiggle my toes soon after. Not what I would have picked, but not as bad as I feared. They had a little trouble getting my pain and bleeding under control that first day, but the rest of the hospital stay was mostly uneventful. I got up and walked (after they would let me) as often as I could that first 36 hours, because I heard that helps with recovery. Shawn was born at 10:50 that morning (section had been scheduled for 10, but the prep work and attempted version took some time) and we didn't settle on a name until late that evening. His name kind of surprised us - we had considered Shawn for a middle name, but never for a first name until it happened. :) 
We had never "roomed in" with a baby and not had a nursery to send them to. That first night was a doozy - the kid was up with spit up and gas most of the night, and I don't think Jeremy or I got more than 2 hours of sleep total. I sent Jeremy home to sleep the next two nights (knowing the nurses could handle helping us, and needing him in one piece by the time we were discharged!) and thankfully sleep went better. I was only semi-ready to go home on Monday (he was born on a Friday) because I was pretty attached to my hospital bed with it's big side rails and automatic-sitting-up magic. Having meals brought to me wasn't too shabby either. It was better to get us home though, so Jeremy could have us all in one place to take care of. 
Not what we expected, but not as bad as we hoped. And Shawn is beautiful and perfect and we love him. (And our love will even increase once we get him sleeping in his own space one of these weeks...) His siblings are all thoroughly enjoying having him around too, and are constantly asking if they can touch and kiss his little head. :)

First Day of School (and the rest of August)

Reilly started 1st grade at his 4th school. He did a pre-K express in Virginia right before we moved, started Kindergarten in Pima, switched to the Benjamin Franklin Charter School in Lehi when we moved to Mesa last December, and since it closed, is now attended the Franklin School in Mesa's regular school system. He has rolled with it, though, and has loved each of his schools. He has enjoyed school so far, and likes going to school with some of the same kids he sees at church and in our neighborhood.

Jaina was a little nervous about starting school, but has thoroughly enjoyed it. She is in afternoon kindergarten and loves her teacher and enjoys her classmates. I'm glad we didn't put her in full-day, because she and Katy really enjoy playing together most mornings, and Katy is kind of bored in the afternoons when they're both at school.

August was the month of lost teeth. About a week after Reilly had his first one encouraged out by the dentist, Jaina suddenly screamed and started completely freaking out. She had accidentally caught her hand on her very loose tooth and it had come out, complete with a good amount of blood. I was afraid she was going to have a complete panic attack, and it took several minutes to calm her down.  It took me a few minutes to find the tooth after she threw it like it was a scary bug when she saw the blood. By that evening she was mostly over it and excited to see if the tooth fairy would come.

Within a few days, Reilly had lost his -2nd- tooth while trying to open something hard with his mouth at lunch time.

Jaina's other tooth was pretty loose, and we tried to convince her that the tooth fairy paid double for two teeth in the same night. It was a no go. But the very next day she finally let me grab it with a kleenex, and it came right out. So here are our non-twins with their twin missing teeth. :)

A not-so-fun thing that happened is that on our last real day of swimming for the summer (things seemed to busy after August mostly, though it was still really really really hot for a while) Reilly decided it would be a good idea to jump backwards into the pool. He didn't understand my instructions about NOT hitting the side, and hit it hard with his stomach. The pic is after it had actually faded a lot. We were pretty worried about him for a couple hours, but eventually decided there probably wasn't any internal damage. Kids can be scary!

This is just a cute picture of Katy being Katy. She was "reading" us one of the "No, David" books. :) So silly.  Also, it has been SO nice to have Reilly reading really well. He can read pretty much any of our books to Jaina and Katy, if he's in the mood.  (Also, a picture of Jaina and Katy's haircuts)

The only other exciting thing that happened in August was that Jeremy turned 30! I tried to make it special by giving him a gift a day, and we had a little party for him the weekend of his birthday. Since I had been 31 for several weeks, I was pretty excited for him to finally join me in the 30's...

Hmm. Summer?

I never thought I'd be such a terrible blogger. But everything falls by the wayside at some point, and this spring/summer blogging just hasn't happened. Not that anyone cares. But -I- will when I go back and try to figure out what happened to us this year. So let's see if I can summarize the rest of the summer (which really could go all the way through October, if you're just looking at weather...)

In June I got to see our new baby Kerrigan on the ultrasound for the first time. I was about 14 weeks, and it was such a relief to see that everything looked good and that he/she was growing well in there!

We went to Pima for a few days at the end of June. I don't really remember why, but I was finally up to making the trip on my own. It was fun, but Katy was sick for most of it. :(

4th of July was a little quiet. We didn't feel up to seeing any fireworks, and only did a few ourselves. Katy was still kind of sick, and Jeremy and Jaina were asleep at 7 AM, so Reilly and I walked over to our ward's 4th of July breakfast. Even at 7, it was HOT (above 95) and since I had been lying in bed for about 3 months, even that much of a walk was a little much for me. Lame.

The next day we went BACK to Pima/Thatcher so we could be there for Chloe's 5th birthday, and so we could go up to the cabin for the day Saturday. It had been a while since I had been up there, and the kids hardly remembered it. It wasn't our family's turn for sleeping rights, so we just stayed for the day, but it was so nice to get up out of the heat and take my kids there. So much of my childhood and traditions are connected to Columbine that I want to make sure it's part of my kids' life as well. It was nice that we were able to drive up, because my dad, Spencer, Jason & Emily all hiked up the mountain and were ready for a ride home after all that.

We added a darling niece to the family - little Miss Carlee turned David & Nicole into a 3-person family, and she's basically the first niece or nephew we've been around for. Definitely the first one I got to visit in the hospital! Such a cutie!

The kids and I actually did something "extra" when Chick-Fil-A offered their free meals for dressing like cows. I'm not too great at doing stuff like that, but every once in a while I do make an effort. They've got to have some memories, right?

One of my best friends, Isabelle (whom I met at EAC), and her troop of 6 kiddos came down to Arizona (from Washington) for almost a month. It was so great to get together with her a few times. It had been QUITE a while since we had seen each other in person (July of 2009, I think) and we hadn't met each other's youngest kids. (2, in her case) So, so nice to get to spend a little time together. I hope they can move down here permanently some year, but at least for now I live in the same city as her parents. :) We managed to get together 4 different times while she was here, which was pretty impressive with all we both had going on.

I had my Level II ultrasound in late July, and we were excited to find out the baby was (probably) a boy! Reilly had been praying for a baby brother for months before, so I give him most of the credit. :)

Jeremy threw me a little early surprise birthday get-together that was fun. He's always good at spoiling me on my birthday. :)

At the end of the month we trekked back to Pima/Thatcher one more time before school started and spent time with grandparents and cousins. The kids all also got to have their first dentist appointment in several years. (It was Iowa...) Thankfully, none of them had any cavities, and Reilly even let the dentist pull his loose tooth. He was pretty excited, and looked so grown up! We tried to convince Jaina, since hers was even looser than his, but she wouldn't have anything to do with that... :)

We also managed to fit in doctor's appointments for all 3 kids in the last few weeks of summer. I found a pediatrician in Scottsdale that we like and we do try to get them in at least once a year, just to show that we did, so it worked out well. I like the office a lot, and all 3 had good experiences.
Here is Katy, being cute at her appointment.

It's a good thing that we did, because otherwise we probably wouldn't have known that Reilly was getting a little nearsighted, and might have been frustrated in school if we hadn't managed to get him into an eye doctor as well, and get him some glasses. He doesn't wear them all the time, but definitely prefers to have them if he's doing anything he cares about. (Like, you know, Lego Star Wars... :) )

The last landmark we hit before school started was that Katy traded her nighttime pacifiers for some toys. She was a little nervous about it, and it was a MUCH bigger deal for her than it was for the other two. (Or at least long-winded. Bedtime was pretty difficult for a good 3 weeks, and I was regretting taking them away more than once.) But things are mostly fine now. She's always had a hard time getting to sleep (she gets that from both of us) but it's easier now than it was when she was 1 and 2, so we'll take it.

Whew! Made it through the summer. When I get most of it down at once, I realize it was a lot busier than I thought it was!