I don't know who cares to read about this but I need to write about it. I'm struggling with accepting it and moving through it. Maybe it will help me. If not, maybe it will help someone else that has dealt with this. So if you don't want to read about breastfeeding, skip this one.
I hate breastfeeding. I do. If it worked for me, I would really enjoy it. At points it HAS worked, and at moments, I have really loved it. But in general, it is just stressful. I know how important it is, nutritionally, and for bonding, and that it's the best thing for both baby and mommy. Except when it isn't. I struggle, STRUGGLE with feeding my babies. And I have a hard time with that, because for the first few months after they're born, that's my only job. All I have to do is feed this baby. Between Jeremy and some help from the rest of our family, everything else is pretty much handled for a while. But I can't do it. I fail (at what I would like to do) almost every time. Everything I have to give to this little person that I love more than life is still not enough. And I can't stop thinking about it that way. "If only I had done this," or "Why can't my body do this?" I feel frustrated, and let down, and insufficient. Even though in my head, I know I shouldn't, and from an eternal perspective, that it's not a big deal, especially when I have tried my hardest.
History:
With Reilly we had a difficult birth, and he was sleepy from the extra drugs they ended up giving me during and after for my blood pressure. The second day in the hospital they convinced me he needed some formula to get his blood sugar up (without testing it). They sent me home with a nipple shield and no support. I fought through those first few weeks with a baby that wouldn't stay awake once he latched on, but wouldn't stay asleep if I tried to set him down. He was hungry and cranky and wasn't gaining weight well, and I was a zombie. At about 6 weeks, with some knowledge and support (and a pump) from the nutritionist at WIC, I was able to stop supplementing with formula and get rid of the nipple shield. I was able to exclusively breastfeed him from then until about 3.5 months, but when he hit that growth spurt, my body simply didn't respond. He was already nursing every 2 hours around the clock, almost without exception. How could he nurse any more often? I gave in and started giving him bottles again.
First just one at bedtime, then one in the afternoon, etc. And my supply dropped rapidly. Soon he was only nursing morning and night, and when he was 6 months old, he decided one day that he wasn't even interested in that. I didn't have too long to grieve about it, because within weeks I found out I was pregnant again (surprise!) and was too busy being sick to worry about how he got fed.
With Jaina I was knew more and I was determined to make it work. The hospital we had her at was better, and the lactation consultant there fought with me to keep them from giving her formula even though she went 6 hours once without waking enough to eat. I nursed, nursed, nursed. Every 1-2.5 hours for the first month. I had help, but still made sure they woke me up to feed her, because I wanted her to gain weight and for it to work. But her weight gain was really iffy, and when we went in at 1 month she had only gained 4 oz that week. Which is on the very low end of acceptable. But I had another baby (15 months) and Jeremy was trying not to fail his classes, and my help was going home (we lived in Iowa) and couldn't keep up the constant nursing schedule, so we decided to start supplementing a little so I wasn't worrying about her.
(She was still under 7 lbs) I pumped some at first to try to keep my milk supply up, but soon we went to Arizona for 3-4 weeks, and there was just too much going on. She nursed less and less (because there was less and less milk) until one day she just refused. She was only 4 months and I was so upset.
With my third baby I vowed it would be different. I didn't have another baby, (the other two were 3.5 and 2.5) I was armed with information, and wouldn't let it happen how it happened with Jaina. I read "Breastfeeding Made Simple," which helped to change my perspective of it. When Katy arrived she was a lb and a half heavier than Jaina, and I was able to go drug free. Her latch took some work, and I was in pain for the first several weeks, but I just let her nurse whenever she wanted. Which meant she stayed attached seriously 20 hours a day. I let her sleep attached even. We just sat on the couch for 2 months. But it worked. After a rocky 1st and 2nd week she just started gaining weight and stayed right on schedule. She was 12 lbs at 6 weeks, I think.(starting out at 8 lbs 7 oz) I exclusively nursed her until she was almost 6 months. At that point we had moved twice and things were a little crazy. I didn't feel like I ever had enough milk for her, so we started solids, hoping it would top her off. It didn't really work and we were struggling, so we started supplementing at about 6 1/2 months.
She did nurse less as time went on, but the last time she nursed she was 11 months old, and I thought that was pretty awesome, for me. Now I'm starting to think it was a little more of a miracle/stars aligning/blessing thing.
I thought we had it figured out and it would work the same way with this baby if we handled it the same
way. But I didn't count on tongue tie, lip tie, silent reflux, and a c-section.
I have been fighting for the last 2.5 months to get Shawn to gain weight. We got
his tongue and lip ties clipped, I have used every supplement there is, pretty
much, I nurse him all the time, pump after feedings, etc. Even with donor milk
supplementation in the last month he has been consistently dropping on the WHO
percentile chart and at 12 weeks is now barely a lb above his birth weight and
close to "failure to thrive". (And his doctor is very supportive of
breastfeeding and hasn't been pushing me until now) 
So why am I blogging about this? Well, several times in the past few years I've seen mention of a condition called IGT (insufficient glandular tissue) and suspected that I had it. Hypoplasia/IGT
(there are nursing pics here, if that bothers anyone) I fit many of the factors they list, and when I do all the "recommended" things to make more milk, they either only work a little, or not at all. This last week leading up to his less-than-stellar weigh in (2 oz in 10 days) I felt like I was making LESS milk though I was trying all sorts of things to get my supply up. With my history, and especially how things have gone this time, I'm pretty sure I have IGT. (And know a few other people that probably do, too, that have tried HARD to nurse and things just haven't gone well.) That, combined with the tongue and lip
tie, the resulting nipple shield we haven't been able to get rid of, and my milk not coming in fully until day 5-6 after my c-section has led to this. (Though I'm sure having half of Jeremy's DNA and metabolism hasn't helped either). I have never been able to get my supply to a point that it could help Shawn grow like he needs to. And it is heartbreaking to be at this point, especially after I have worked so hard, and after I succeeded with Katy. I'm trying to work through it, but it really is a grieving process, and I am struggling. I hope we get into a groove and that I can be more accepting of all of this soon and move on to just enjoying my sweet baby and being grateful I could give him only breastmilk for 2.5 months (even if it wasn't all mine) before needing to get some help from formula.
